To have another one or not...
I am sooooo torn right now…
I always wanted to have one child. Never ever has the thought occurred to me about a second one.
Hubby has been wanting one more for a while now. We have had arguments and HUGE fights over it, and now he has kind of given up one having a second one.
And I am having second thoughts!!!!!!!!!!.
He does not know it though.
And I don’t want to talk to about it with any one I know personally.
There are just so many questions, trepidations and so much fear too.
I was 24 when I had Sahithi and it was an unplanned pregnancy. If I Think back now, I was darn scared but somehow got through it.
We were struggling newly weds with a baby on the way. Hubby dear was barely making any money and I was looking for a job had student loans to clear off.
On top of it hubby's company shut shop when I was 5 months along. We barely had any savings at all. Just enough to scrape through for 2 months.
Thankfully he found a job in 40 days. We relocated. I had the baby. Took a while to get a job which took me 1600 miles away from hubby dear. We did the long distance commute for 10 months before I could find the job in the same place as he is. I had the baby with me and traveled with her every two weeks. Since there are no direct flights, connecting flights, delayed flights, getting stuck in the airports, missed flights have seen it all. Sahithi was only 10 months when I started. It was a very tough time but we got through it. I know it killed hubby dear to be away from her, but he endured all that for me, ONLY for me. I have never planned to be a SAHM. I have tremendous respect for them but I know I wont be good SAHM from my 10 months experience.
Now things have settled down. We work in the same city. Sahithi is four years old. Have finally bought our dream home.
Is it time to have another one? Everyone asks me this And I tell them NO. I don’t plan to have another one at all. But do I really mean it? I don’t know.
I do feel that I am denying my lil one of a sibling. But most of all, I cant find the words to describe the guilt that hits me when I see her playing with younger kids. She is just sooooo good with them, kind and gentle and generous always willing to share anything she has just to see a smile on the baby's face. The glow on her face when she is around a baby. The way she runs to me, to give a tight hug and tell me that she has made the baby happy. The way her face falls when she realizes that she has no sibling….
But I am still scared. VERY VERY scared of even the thought of a second one. How will we manage anything with a second one. Will there ever me enough time and money? Will we be able to provide the best that’s there for both the children? Will we be able to save enough for college for both? Will I be able to do justice as a working mom to two children?
I know they sound like silly reasons but they SCARE me. I know there is a very tiny part in me which wants to feel being pregnant again, which wants to hug my new born and cry because of all the over whelming emotions the tiny bundle can give, see another child of mine grow, see both my children play together, bond as they grow and be there for each other.
But these other thoughts of mine SCARE me and for now over shadow my desire to have another one.
I am so lost. Just so completely lost.
