To have another one or not...
I am sooooo torn right now…
I always wanted to have one child. Never ever has the thought occurred to me about a second one.
Hubby has been wanting one more for a while now. We have had arguments and HUGE fights over it, and now he has kind of given up one having a second one.
And I am having second thoughts!!!!!!!!!!.
He does not know it though.
And I don’t want to talk to about it with any one I know personally.
There are just so many questions, trepidations and so much fear too.
I was 24 when I had Sahithi and it was an unplanned pregnancy. If I Think back now, I was darn scared but somehow got through it.
We were struggling newly weds with a baby on the way. Hubby dear was barely making any money and I was looking for a job had student loans to clear off.
On top of it hubby's company shut shop when I was 5 months along. We barely had any savings at all. Just enough to scrape through for 2 months.
Thankfully he found a job in 40 days. We relocated. I had the baby. Took a while to get a job which took me 1600 miles away from hubby dear. We did the long distance commute for 10 months before I could find the job in the same place as he is. I had the baby with me and traveled with her every two weeks. Since there are no direct flights, connecting flights, delayed flights, getting stuck in the airports, missed flights have seen it all. Sahithi was only 10 months when I started. It was a very tough time but we got through it. I know it killed hubby dear to be away from her, but he endured all that for me, ONLY for me. I have never planned to be a SAHM. I have tremendous respect for them but I know I wont be good SAHM from my 10 months experience.
Now things have settled down. We work in the same city. Sahithi is four years old. Have finally bought our dream home.
Is it time to have another one? Everyone asks me this And I tell them NO. I don’t plan to have another one at all. But do I really mean it? I don’t know.
I do feel that I am denying my lil one of a sibling. But most of all, I cant find the words to describe the guilt that hits me when I see her playing with younger kids. She is just sooooo good with them, kind and gentle and generous always willing to share anything she has just to see a smile on the baby's face. The glow on her face when she is around a baby. The way she runs to me, to give a tight hug and tell me that she has made the baby happy. The way her face falls when she realizes that she has no sibling….
But I am still scared. VERY VERY scared of even the thought of a second one. How will we manage anything with a second one. Will there ever me enough time and money? Will we be able to provide the best that’s there for both the children? Will we be able to save enough for college for both? Will I be able to do justice as a working mom to two children?
I know they sound like silly reasons but they SCARE me. I know there is a very tiny part in me which wants to feel being pregnant again, which wants to hug my new born and cry because of all the over whelming emotions the tiny bundle can give, see another child of mine grow, see both my children play together, bond as they grow and be there for each other.
But these other thoughts of mine SCARE me and for now over shadow my desire to have another one.
I am so lost. Just so completely lost.
9 comments:
awww.... do it... they say in life you regret the things you dont do... more than the things you do.. and perhaps it will be easier now than if you suddenly realise time is running out at 40.... go on.. we're all here to cheer you even if we cant help change diapers!
I ll pretend I did nt read this post and MMs comment since I seem to be in the same boat too!
And Check out indianmommies.blogspot.com.
I have linked you there. Hope its ok!
I really understand what dilemma you must feel you're in. I wouldn't categorize your reasons (being able to save enough for two, being able to provide same level of care for two etc.) as silly. They are valid. Not everyone thinks about these reasons but some of us do and I'd say it isn't a crime :P I always wanted three kids and now the second one is on its way (after a long wait). I feel the same way about having the third one. I desparately want to, but then some part of me wants to be rational and is scared of not being able to provide adequately for all of them.
Hi. I am with you on this one. I have a little boy and I am driving myself NUTS over whether to have another one or not ... I am a stay at home mom and we both want it that way.. so lifestyle maintainance is a biggie ... I so empathise with you .. I just wanna say - whatever you decide, don't do it because you're feeling pressured or out of guilt .. good luck!! Love,SS
I have a lovely daughter and didn't want anymore kids as I felt I could not provide well for two kids. But as time went by the urge to have the second grew stronger and stronger. Also started thinking more about my daughter's future (when we are not around anymore) in a country away from India and the extended family. So after 11 years I had my second daughter. It was hard work but it felt right and do not regret it... i guess there are no easy answers but to do what feels right.
The issues you had with your first pregnancy are probably clouding your decision. But know that it will not be that way the second time around.
First, you've been through this already so you're much stronger for the experience. Plus this will not be an unplanned pregnancy.
Second, your life seems to be settled a lot more now than when you had the first one.
Third, your daughter is at the right age now as in she will be your little helper and not compete all the time for mom's attention. Which will make it easier on you. Of course each child is different but normally, a child her age is a lot more independent, than say a 2-3 year old.
I can understand where you're coming from, in that you feel that finally your life feels settled, and you don't want to rock the boat. But when you think of a new child, think beyond the first two years and imagine the good things that come after that. Two siblings playing and loving each other, the feeling of a complete family...I could go on and on.
If after all that, you still don't want to have a child, then don't. Don't let anyone pressurise you into having one !
I can so feel for you. I am in the same boat right now, only time is running out rather quickly for me since am pushing 36 now, and dont have the stamina of my youth...LOL> and your reasons are always valid. My best wishes for whatever you choose to do...
Please don't have a child because you want to have a sibing for your first born...have a child because YOU desperately love it and want it.
I know it would suck if I learned my parents only had me to keep my big bro/sis happy and company. That seem loveless.
The second time around is a lot easier.. trust me I had all those thoughts that you did and I am a SAHM. But it was so easy and I felt I should have done it sooner. It is a lot of work, I agree and the cramps are worse the second time around, but we get to be really good multi-taskers(which I am sure you already are) and we get good at time management. It happens automatically. I enjoyed the pregnancy more the second time around and the bonding with the baby happened even before he was born. That didn't happen with my first one. Now it's all work, fun, games, fights tears non-stop.
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